For someone who was unable to be without their phone for 5 minutes, I challenged myself to let go of that which I believe is in control of me. I want to be in command; focus deeper in my work, my writing, my thesis and forge a whole new career after quitting my job last year.

In April 2020 (yes during lockdown) I logged out of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I’m writing a thesis, and starting a business and wanted to be more productive in my work, figure out how to forge a career in this environment. I also value privacy online and should really practice what I believe.

So here it is, in unashamed glory, my ups and downs as I faced 30 days without social media.

TL;DR

Life without social media fundamentally changed me for the better.

Day 1

I went for a walk in the morning and as I photographed cherry blossoms and fresh grass in the sun, I came upon a resting fox in the bushes. He allowed me to stay and photograph him. My initial urge was to share these photos on Twitter and Instagram the second I got home thinking I could brighten someone’s day with a photo of a fox sunning himself in the spring air.

When I got home and set up my desk to work, I made myself an espresso in a cute espresso cup — I wanted to take a photo of it and share it on Instagram so people could see how cultured and cool I was sipping coffee from a city collection espresso cup (Tokyo was this morning’s choice) and working on my thesis.

I felt by not sharing this right now, I was missing out and worse, my friends and colleagues were missing out on what I had to share. How narcissistic of me? It’s interesting to experience these feelings and reflect on what the actual feck is going on in my mind. No one cares!

Day 2

My mornings became longer. In that I had more time. In that I didn’t waste the first 25 min of my waking time stuck with my nose in my phone checking on all the important things I missed out on while I was asleep. Spoiler: nothing. I had more time to write in my journal and read the one of many books that i’ve got halfway through and become distracted.

I’m writing a thesis so it’s given me time to focus, and I have been extremely good at procrastinating from it. I do find that every 10 or 15 minutes* or so I compulsively check my phone or open a new tab to load Twitter. Instead I load BBC News, realise that nothing has changed from 15 minutes ago and close the page.

*i lie; seconds

I have been putting more attention into my websites and writing for them instead of squishing my thoughts into 140 characters only to disappear into the ether of noise fuelled timelines. The photographs I take and would have shared on Instagram are going onto a gallery on my website instead.

Day 3

My friend text me to question why she couldn’t tag me in a photo on Facebook. I said I had deactivated it and then went on to defend why I did that. I felt FOMO for not being part of her photo sharing and future comment sharing and hearing other people’s opinions and thoughts. I actually reactivated it so she could tag me, but I logged out immediately.

Why the hell did I do this?

Why did I succumb to logging back in so someone could tag me in a photo of me and a few other people? What is the benefit in it for me? Do I really need approval from others? I’m glad I was able to reflect on this and just see it for what it is. I’m not going to judge myself for what I did. For now I will notice it and take further action at the end of the month.

Day 4

I slept, a lot. I also caught up with friends on Zoom. It was great, my face hurt from laughing. My childhood friends are now spread across the globe and we were baffled why we didn’t try video calls years ago? I did find myself asking ‘where did you see that?’ a number of times when they brought up subjects for discussion that stemmed from Facebook or Instagram. It turned out to not be an issue as they brought me up to speed and I could engage without having a social media profile. It was quite freeing.

I took my one lockdown-approved-exercise to take the dog around the park and I left my phone at home. Being with me, my dog and my mind was quite relaxing. Well, my mind was going 90 miles an hour but I soon brought it back to focus on the sound of my breath or my steps. I looked up and soaked in the sun and heard the birds sing. I was present. It was nourishing.

Day 5

For the first time I feel I am in control of my communications. It’s quite a surreal feeling. I even turned off all notifications from Whatsapp so I control when I go in to see messages and reply to them, rather than the ping! controlling me. I have more time to focus on what I want to do and decide when I want a break and check my phone, rather than my phone beckoning me with flashing screens.

Day 6

I woke up, checked my phone for texts and then PUT IT BACK DOWN. This is a change. A subtle but impactful change. I got up, made the bed and went to the kitchen to make a hot drink. B.F. (Before Freedom) I would have still been in bed scrolling mindlessly instead of waking up the old neurones to fire for a productive day.

My focus is increasing exponentially — I am getting more done, I want to check my phone/social media/interweb/distraction dens less. My partner is no longer moaning at me for disappearing into my phone.

Day 7

I started to get the itch. The uncomfortable itch that being with myself was not enough. I leaned into it, like yogi bear, and I finally started to get going on my studies. Today I really felt like I got into a deeper layer in my work, something I am not familiar with at all. It felt amazing. I also set myself hour long tasks, to break up the work. I alternated between deep focus and downtime, which included making a Paw Patrol birthday card for a little friend. I got glue everywhere.

Even though at a few points during the day when I felt alone and disconnected, I breathed in to that feeling then guided myself to play in the focus of my work.

I did show my partner a photo of something a friend sent and he said ‘sure I saw that on Instagram’. I told him I felt a little left out and he reminded me that the information still got to me, when it needed to. Boom, I live with Yoda.

Day 8

Oh boy I wish I could share in words how I feel right now. The freedom, the calm, the centeredness (is that a word?). I believe there are more reasons for this than just giving up social media – but the action has had more impact than I realised. The very decision to stop was a step in the direction of self care and focusing on my real needs. It was an indication to inner me that I value myself.

Today I felt I went a layer deeper into my studies and began to understand ways of thinking and approach I wouldn’t have in “shallow” work. This deep thinking is a wonderful experience. I felt super smart. Even smarter while flicking through a giant book about research.

I have no desire to go back onto social media. I am enjoying posting any updates or articles through the mediums of my websites. I started a new draft on a subject that sparks debate in my industry which I wouldn’t have been able to if I was constantly distracted.

My life is so much more content and this is reflected in my life around me – my home is comfortable, my partner is calm, my Pilates classes are nourishing, the coffee tastes phenomenal.

Day 9

I will be honest. It’s day 10 and I forgot to write in day 9. Only human! I guess what is clear here is that I totally focused on deep work yesterday. I set the day into hour long chunks, broken up with making sourdough starter (yea i’m one of them) and going outside to get some sun. The day disappeared from me. I’m working on building an ecommerce website for someone and that took up my evening after my online Pilates class.

Being so proud of my starter, as it blossomed yesterday (after placing into a dark space, I guess that was the trick), I sent pictures to my friends. It was fun, it was engaging. I didn’t need to post it for the world to not give a hoot.

Day 10

Ah yeah, didn’t have a great day. Not much was written on the thesis and I felt pretty ‘bla’ I believe is the technical term. During these slow, awkward, sort of moments, I would usually jump to social media to remedy that uncomfortable feeling I didn’t want. Instead I didn’t. I sat back in my chair and decided to accept this uncomfortable feeling and just take myself gently along with it. I didn’t do much work that day and I left it at that.

Day 11

It was Easter weekend. I was not turning on that laptop. Instead I battled extreme hayfever (it’s hitting me hard this year, constantly surrounded by graveyards of tissues) and went for a morning walk in the park. My head felt pretty groggy which was probably down to the hayfever but I soaked up every moment of the beautiful sun in the park. I sat on a bench, closed my eyes and listened to the birds as they danced in the trees above me. A perfect moment.

And no, I didn’t take my phone with me.

Day 12

My focus of today was to do absolutely nothing. I can confirm it was successful. I can also confirm that, once again, I did not feel the desire to pick up my phone and jump on social media. I did go onto news sites and caught up on news stories and I saw some tweets shared in my WhatsApp groups and for the first time, I felt I was an observer rather than being the observed. I saw everyone sharing tweet after tweet, news story after news story and I thought ‘was this me?’. Trying to get the next hit in, to be congratulated for sharing the most interesting and shocking news?

Yikes

I am starting to appreciate my lack-of social media life. I’m starting to appreciate living in my own world, doing things I want to do, not because my notifications told me to. The more I stay with myself and make conscious decisions about what I do with my time, the more I realise how capable and powerful my mind is.

Day 13

I sat with my thesis again, like an old friend. I found that the two days break allowed a fog to lift and I wasn’t in a bad a place as I thought I was. The ‘taking it easy’ route got me farther than I would have if I forced myself into a keyhole to get this thing done. Whether or not this is a by product of quitting social media or from making conscious decisions with my time; but I am feeling more in command. I feel less scared — of not earning money (as I lost my job during the pandemic) and of ‘getting it right’ with the thesis. These two sins I am extremely guilty of and darn good at.

Day 14

Not sure what’s happenin’ in the atmosphere but man I feel unfocused, grumpy, bored and unmotivated today. I managed to submit a chapter of my thesis for review which i’m proud of, but I kept dazing off my laptop and onto my phone. Picking it up, opening it, looking for a hit of an app that will satiate my aversion for this uncomfortable feeling of boredom. It was during these moments that I realised if I had social media apps, I would open them. I’m glad I didn't and I also noticed that I didn’t even go looking for the browser version of Twitter et al either. I believe that is the progress.

I was in avoidance, that painful uncomfortable feeling when you really have something important to do that will be good for you but you rather do anything else. I wanted to eat my bodyweight in chocolate or crisps to make it go away. In this moment, a moment I could have easily succumbed to social media as a soother, I didn’t.

I went back to my thesis, sat my behind down, swigged some water and made myself complete it. Success.

Day 15

Whatever is happening in the cosmic field or the moon — i’m feeling like a weight is sitting on top of me. Focused on keeping moving, like tidying, working, cleaning — to externally representing tidying my mind. It’s during this feeling ‘meh’ that I would turn to social media.

I still haven’t. What I did do was sign up to a well respected long-read newspaper. Slow news is more thorough and well informed, right? Less social media sugar hit, more sustainable oats.

Day 16

Meh.

That sums up how I feel. Still didn’t log on, i’ve come too far to go back. I told myself that these are feelings that pass like a wave and I went for a walk instead.

Day 17

I’m feeling the itch. The lockdown makes it more challenging to be ok with being away from social media. Searching for that instant satisfaction.

Day 18

The slump continues and doesn’t help that I needed to log in to Facebook to test a competition I was launching for a website i’m working on. However there was a difference – I used it for work. I used it as a tool to help me reach a goal and I didn’t get sucked in. I felt unshackled and smug as I clicked ‘log out’.

Day 19

I’m pretty much in the swing of life without social media. From a privacy perspective, I don’t see why I need to add any unnecessary blip of data to the web that will remain there forever. From a sanity perspective, I am far more clear on my life, what I want and what next steps to take.

There is so much I am achieving, and so much I want to achieve. The more time I spend on things that bring benefit to my life and others, the more wholesome I feel. I guess it’s the difference between eating a home cooked meal and fast food takeaway.

Day 20

I wrote my first ever contract proposal. I did it in one day. Completed it in one day. I found it challenging and wanted to continually open browsers or look for distractions but I stuck with it and completed it. I have never been able to hold this determination before, having always given into distracting whims.

Day 22

I think the realisation that the world is fundamentally changing is starting to make an impact. The feeling that the ground is shifting under your feet and you have nowhere to hide. The world you see is not one your brain recognises and your mind goes blank in the shock.

I always used to think that in movies where someone travels back in time or to another world would initially pass out from shock upon arrival as their brain would be unable to process it. Probably why i’m not a filmmaker — the plot would be insanely factual and boring.

Day 23

Holy moly, I only began research for an article I wanted to write and ended up writing a ‘starter’ article in only a few hours. My mind disappeared into a world of focus and I have just come up for air. This is a wonderful experience that is so rich and fulfilling. Cal Newport, you’re right!

Day 24

I’m starting to dread going back on social media. I needed to post something on LinkedIn and loggin in it was like opening a box of the seagulls from Finding Nemo screaming “mine mine mine!”

Day 25

The reading, researching and writing are starting to get into full swing. The level of focus I can achieve is even astounding me.

The mind is getting quite active again and upon reflection, I should re-incorporate meditation as I used to do daily. I feel once one object of obsession is removed, it is replaced by another. It just goes to show that the real issue isn’t ‘out there’ with my obsession with social media. It’s my inability to accept myself as I am, that I don’t need the applause or likes from others.

Day 26

The worry I would fall asleep with and wake up with now includes ‘how do I deal with my social media on 1st May?’. I am now considering the best way to position myself online, now that I know what works for me and what doesn't. Of all the social media I logged off from, Instagram was the one I missed the least, which is interesting considering it was the app I felt was taking up most of my time.

As I previously admitted, I needed to log in to Facebook for work but I didn't dwell on personal items and logged off right away. I have no need nor desire to be on there. The same went for Twitter. That article I surprisingly wrote in my state of deep flow the other day was auto-shared to LinkedIn and Twitter but I haven’t felt the desire to check Twitter. LinkedIn is another story — so incredibly busy like chirping birds puffing out their war chests. I almost want to close all my accounts to go back to eternal peace, but I am realising the work leads that are generated through LinkedIn.

Day 27

I sat in meditation this morning to quieten the bouncing thoughts of busyness as was alluded to above. I spoke to a friend who told me of a very big news story that I had not heard and it was another example of how being off social media also inadvertently means unlinking from the permanent supply of news. It unsettled me a little as I wondered if I should check the news to ensure I was up to date.

Then I realised — was there a need for this? I notice that the more I potter down the path of making conscious decisions and taking actions that improve my life (even something as simple as making the bed), then if information needs to get to me or a person needs to connect with me, it always finds a way of showing up. I’m noticing that I can recline a bit more into the belly of life and relax into the flow of things, trusting that what needs to arise, will arise and that if I check my compass and look to the direction I want to go, the ship will follow.

Oh, and I went for a walk yesterday and today and didn’t take my phone both times, which is now my default approach.

Day 29

Today is not a good day (note also missing Day 28), and that’s OK. I’m struggling to focus and keep looking to distraction (coffee, more coffee, then chocolate). My body is uncomfortable, the deep work feels a far away dream, my thesis writing feels forced and I lack in enthusiasm and energy. Every time I went to give myself a nugget of distraction, I regretted it. I went on LinkedIn and I sighed at how noisy and dreary it was, not offering anything rich in value. I thought I should know better after this experience! And so on reflection, put it down as a bad day and made a cup of rooibos tea.

Day 30

I DID IT. I made it. And I have to admit that although it was a success, I wonder how long it will last for. I have broken free from the desire to log on and scroll my life away, feeling worse as I do.

I have taken further strides in this last month than I feel in a long time. More focus on making conscious decisions that move to benefit my life or the life of another. Even more so, I feel I conquered myself. I conquered a habit. I regained command of my mind and my actions. That itself is success.

I realise living in awareness and with purpose will only ever benefit us and those around us.